ANTI-JOKE GALORE

Animals

• A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a nearby park and released.

• A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.

• What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

• What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

• Why is a mouse when it spins?

Because the higher it goes, the fewer.

• Why is a duck?

Because one leg is both the same.

• What is the difference between one duck?

He have both legs the same size, especially left one.

• What do you call a cross between a chicken and a duck?

Chuck.

• What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?

They both have handlebars. Except the duck doesn't.

• What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

Here come the elephants over the hill.

• What is the difference between elephants and grapes?

Elephants are grey, grapes are purple.

• What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

Here come the grapes over the hill (Jane was colorblind).

• How do you kill a blue elephant?

You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

• How do you kill a red elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

• How do you kill a green elephant?

You embarass it until it turns red, hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

• How do you kill a white elephant?

You paint it green, embarass it until it turns red, hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

• How do you kill a pink elephant?

You scare it until it turn white, paint it green, embarass it until it turns red, hold its trunk untils it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

• How do you kill a yellow elephant?

There's no such thing, silly!

• If it takes half a chicken half a day to lay half an egg, how long does it take a cricket with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?

I'm not fooled for a second--there isn't enough information to solve the equation. You have to tell me which half of the chicken and I need to know what kind of wood the cricket's leg is made out of (oak, ash, maple, pine, etc.).

• Three blind mice walk into a bar. Being blind, they are mostly unaware of their surroundings, so it would be unethical to derive humour from their predicament.

• What's green, hangs on a wall and whistles?

I give up, what's green, hangs on a wall and whistles?

A herring.

What? A herring isn't green!

Who stops you from painting it?

A herring doesn't hang on a wall!

Who stops you from hanging it?

But who ever heard of a herring that whistles?

Well, two out of three isn't bad!

Vegetables

• What's green with legs?

Grass. (I lied about the legs!)

• What's green and pear-shaped?

A pear.

• Why did the banana explode?

Because it was a grenade.

People

• Why do firemen wear red suspenders?

To keep their pants up.

• What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith, and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

• How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

• What do you call a middle eastern man in the cockpit of a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

• Hao Long is a Chinese man.

• Hu is the Chinese president.

• Why did John fall off his bike?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

• Why wouldn't Jack's car start?

Because it was a giant fish.

• Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Sally has no arms.

• Why did Jack stand in the middle?

He was happy twenty years later.

• Knock knock

Who's there?

• The Gestapo.

• How did the picture look?

It didn't, pictures don't have working eyes.

• What is better than an anti-joke?

A better anti-joke.

• Five girls run from what?

A cloud is new, says George.

• What happened to the girl next door?

Her house becomes again.

• Who is Mike Jones?

No one cares.

• Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

• What did John Lennon say when he was shot?

"Help me, I've been shot!"

• How do you make a mime yell?

Throw a brick at his face.

• How do you make a clown stop smiling?

Hit him with an axe.

• What do a bat and a button have in common?

Neither of them can sing like Swiss people...

Other

• Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

• So a blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk in to a bar. The bartender calls 9-1-1, and all three women stay the night in the hospital.

• What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

• What is the capital of Idaho?

Boise.

• A man walks into a bar...

Ouch! (alternately: "He faints.")

• What did Columbus say to his men before they got on the ships?

"Get on the ships!"

• What has eight legs, 8 brown eyes, and an invisible tail?

A spider.

A Scorpion with its tail dipped in butter.

• How many ducks does it take to make a duck?

Two Ducks. Why, because I saw it on National Geographic.

• What's red and shaped like a bucket?

A red bucket.

• What's blue and shaped like a bucket?

A red bucket in disguise.

• What's pink and furry?

Pink fur.

• What's blue and furry?

Pink fur holding its breath.

• An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan... The sausage says "Wow... It's hot in here!"

The egg says "Oh, my God! A talking sausage!"

• Is it farther to New York, or by bus?

Only if you take the train.

Halfway to the sunrise.

• What is the velocity of butter?

The velocity of butter is in a direct inverse proportion relating indistinctly to the mass of the moon.

Takes on Other Jokes

• Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

• Why was six afraid of seven?

Six was not afraid of seven, 10 was, so there!

• Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.

• What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson likes little boys.

• My dog's got no dictionary.

How does he spell 'terrible?'

• What do you get when you cross a horse and a donkey?

A mule. Numbskull!

• What do you get when you cross France and Russia?

You don't get jack shit! But, Germany gets a two-front war!

• Guy walks into Doctor's office, tells the doc "I've got a real problem -- it hurts when I do this."

The doctor looks at him for a moment, then says "I'm sorry, you have cancer."

Awesome jokes are awesome