Thursday, January 27, 2011

ANTI-JOKE GALORE

Animals

  • A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a nearby park and released.

  • A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.

  • What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

  • What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.

  • Why is a mouse when it spins?
Because the higher it goes, the fewer.

  • Why is a duck?
Because one leg is both the same.

  • What is the difference between one duck?
He have both legs the same size, especially left one.

  • What do you call a cross between a chicken and a duck?
Chuck.

  • What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
They both have handlebars. Except the duck doesn't.

  • What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants over the hill.
  • What is the difference between elephants and grapes?
Elephants are grey, grapes are purple.
  • What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the grapes over the hill (Jane was colorblind).

  • How do you kill a blue elephant?
You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
  • How do you kill a red elephant?
You hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
  • How do you kill a green elephant?
You embarass it until it turns red, hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
  • How do you kill a white elephant?
You paint it green, embarass it until it turns red, hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
  • How do you kill a pink elephant?
You scare it until it turn white, paint it green, embarass it until it turns red, hold its trunk untils it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
  • How do you kill a yellow elephant?
There's no such thing, silly!

  • If it takes half a chicken half a day to lay half an egg, how long does it take a cricket with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
I'm not fooled for a second--there isn't enough information to solve the equation. You have to tell me which half of the chicken and I need to know what kind of wood the cricket's leg is made out of (oak, ash, maple, pine, etc.).

  • Three blind mice walk into a bar. Being blind, they are mostly unaware of their surroundings, so it would be unethical to derive humour from their predicament.

  • What's green, hangs on a wall and whistles?
I give up, what's green, hangs on a wall and whistles?
A herring.
What? A herring isn't green!
Who stops you from painting it?
A herring doesn't hang on a wall!
Who stops you from hanging it?
But who ever heard of a herring that whistles?
Well, two out of three isn't bad!

Vegetables

  • What's green with legs?
Grass. (I lied about the legs!)

  • What's green and pear-shaped?
A pear.

  • Why did the banana explode?
Because it was a grenade.

People

  • Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up.

  • What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith, and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

  • How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.

  • What do you call a middle eastern man in the cockpit of a plane?
A pilot, you racist.

  • Hao Long is a Chinese man.

  • Hu is the Chinese president.

  • Why did John fall off his bike?
Someone threw a fridge at him.

  • Why wouldn't Jack's car start?
Because it was a giant fish.

  • Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Sally has no arms.

  • Why did Jack stand in the middle?
He was happy twenty years later.

  • Knock knock
Who's there?
  • The Gestapo.

  • How did the picture look?
It didn't, pictures don't have working eyes.

  • What is better than an anti-joke?
A better anti-joke.

  • Five girls run from what?
A cloud is new, says George.

  • What happened to the girl next door?
Her house becomes again.

  • Who is Mike Jones?
No one cares.

  • Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

  • What did John Lennon say when he was shot?
"Help me, I've been shot!"

  • How do you make a mime yell?
Throw a brick at his face.

  • How do you make a clown stop smiling?
Hit him with an axe.

  • What do a bat and a button have in common?
Neither of them can sing like Swiss people...

Other

  • Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

  • So a blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk in to a bar. The bartender calls 9-1-1, and all three women stay the night in the hospital.

  • What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

  • What is the capital of Idaho?
Boise.

  • A man walks into a bar...
Ouch! (alternately: "He faints.")

  • What did Columbus say to his men before they got on the ships?
"Get on the ships!"

  • What has eight legs, 8 brown eyes, and an invisible tail?
A spider.
A Scorpion with its tail dipped in butter.

  • How many ducks does it take to make a duck?
Two Ducks. Why, because I saw it on National Geographic.

  • What's red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.
  • What's blue and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.

  • What's pink and furry?
Pink fur.
  • What's blue and furry?
Pink fur holding its breath.

  • An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan... The sausage says "Wow... It's hot in here!"
The egg says "Oh, my God! A talking sausage!"

  • Is it farther to New York, or by bus?
Only if you take the train.
Halfway to the sunrise.

  • What is the velocity of butter?
The velocity of butter is in a direct inverse proportion relating indistinctly to the mass of the moon.

Takes on Other Jokes

  • Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

  • Why was six afraid of seven?
Six was not afraid of seven, 10 was, so there!

  • Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.

  • What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson likes little boys.

  • My dog's got no dictionary.
How does he spell 'terrible?'

  • What do you get when you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule. Numbskull!

  • What do you get when you cross France and Russia?
You don't get jack shit! But, Germany gets a two-front war!

  • Guy walks into Doctor's office, tells the doc "I've got a real problem -- it hurts when I do this."
The doctor looks at him for a moment, then says "I'm sorry, you have cancer."
Awesome jokes are awesome

4 comments:

  1. wow that's a lot of jokes. off to a good start. keep up the good work man.

    ReplyDelete
  2. had to do something in class today while waiting for fake SQL databases were being imported

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  3. I started to laugh, but was promptly told not to.

    >.>

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree with Lost.In.Idaho... that is all.

    ReplyDelete